Bonnie's Blog

Did you know that in Canada, 75,000 children are being raised in what are called "kinship" families - that is, not by their biological parents, but by aunts, cousins, or grandparents?  Another fact:  fifty eight percent of those kinship families are headed by single grandmothers raising one, or sometimes two special needs children.  I didn't know this, and so it was with great anticipation that I attended the inaugural meeting of the London chapter of Cangrands, a national support group for kinship families.

Many of the kids who are being raised in kinship families have diagnoses that make them particularly challenging in terms of behaviour, schooling and socialization  - fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and reactive attachment disorder, among others, and may also suffer the repercussions of abuse and neglect.  And so, as one would expect, many are cared for in traditional foster families, but others end up in "kinship care", defined as the placement of the child in the home of the child's relative, or in the home of another adult with whom the child or the child's parent already has a close emotional  attachment.  

 Although not a grandparent myself (yet), I know that it takes an enormous amount of time, commitment, patience and perseverance to raise a special needs child.  I have the utmost respect and admiration for those who - at a time in life when most of us would be contemplating putting our feet up and relaxing - have chosen instead to take on this daunting challenge with all that it entails.  Cangrands refer to themselves as "the club none of us wanted to join but are glad we did" and are happy to share their collective wisdom and accumulated knowledge with others who are new to the game.  They offer emotional and practical support, exchange information on legal and educational issues, as well as insider info on benefits such as the dependent child allowance.  They also offer an internet based support option for those who find it difficult to get out to meetings on a regular basis.

I'm a big fan of support groups - obviously - because I think when you're faced with overwhelming challenges in life that it's a much easier road if you're not travelling alone.  Plus, there are very few venues for baring your soul without fear of judgement or derision, especially when it comes to raising children with "behavioural" problems,  but support groups offer that - and help us maintain our own mental health and wellbeing in the process.  So I'm very glad to see that kinship families in London and area will finally have their own group where they can help support each other and start advocating for their kids and themselves.

For more information on Cangrands, check their website at: www.cangrands.com .  The London Chapter leader, Barbara Davis, will host meetings at Vanier Children's Services on May 23 and June 27, 6-8 pm.  Contact Barb for more info at:  holliwood18@hotmail.com .

So, apparently, it is spring, although you wouldn't really know it judging by the weather.  It remains to be seen if April really is the cruellest month, but March would certainly be a close second this year.  Oh well, this is Canada after all, and it's been great for the skiers.

Now for some good news.  Late last night, the union representing elementary public school teachers in Ontario (ETFO) and the provincial government came to an agreement that will see the resumption of extra-curricular activities in elementary schools, or to be more precise, at least the union leadership will no longer encourage its members to boycott extra-curriculars.  We can hope that individual teachers and schools will choose to start offering these activities once again, and that that there might be somewhat of a return to normal.   I think everyone on both sides is pretty happy to see this resolved, and it will certainly benefit our kids.

Some other items of note:  Children's Mental Health Ontario is ramping up activities in the run up to Children's Mental Health Week (May 5-11).  For the fourth year in a row, CMHO will be running a  Youtube video contest called Change the View. Ontario youth aged 13-25 are invited to make a video showing what their school can do to create a supportive environment for students experiencing mental health issues and addictions.  The deadline for submissions is April 10.  For more information, contact christine@cmho.org.

Parents for Children's Mental Health and RBC are teaming up in April to provide the "Parents' Education and Awareness Campaign" to help families identify early signs of mental health issues and learn where to get help.  The campaign will engage parents and families on various levels: online, in their communities, and through a multi-media awareness program.  RBC will also be promoting the campaign in their branches.  To contact PCMH, go online at www.pcmh.ca,  call toll-free 1-855-254-PCMH (7264), or by snail mail at PCMH, PO Box 20004, St. Catharines, Ontario, L2M 7W7. 

This is a good opportunity for parents, schools, and others in the community to get involved.  I know sometimes we're so busy dealing with our own kids' issues that it's hard to find the time to  get involved, but banding together with others to raise awareness and reduce stigma helps all our kids in the long run.

Modern parenting has become a competitive sport.  While everyone wants their kid to be healthy, well adjusted, do well at school and be successful socially, in many instances parents who have the means are willing to pull out all the stops to make sure their child has a competitive edge over other kids.  Unfortunately, this can lead to a total lack of balance and unrealistic expectations - with overscheduled, parent-driven extra-curriculars, tutored lessons, skill building camps and so on that don't leave much down time for kid-initiated imaginative play or socialization, or for the seemingly lost art of just goofing off and being a kid.   Hockey "schools" abound, and parents are quite happy to drive thousands of kilometers in terrible weather winter after winter on the one in a gazillion chance that their child might have a shot at the big leagues some day.   French immersion schools have continued to grow in popularity while general school enrollments have been steadily declining, mostly because parents know that having a working knowledge of Canada's other official language will give kids a competitive advantage in the workplace.  All the fun stuff of childhood seems to have been displaced with whatever helps kids get a leg up on their peers.

While it's all fine and well that people want their kids to get ahead, this creates some obvious inequalities between those who have the time and money to contribute to helping their kids and those who do not, and between those kids who have innate abilities and those who don't.  There is also the risk we run of placing enormous burdens on our kids to live up to our hopes and dreams.  For most families, but especially those of us raising special needs kids, this is felt most acutely in the school environment.  Now that we live in a society where our kids have to be measured academically against every other kid in the school/ board/city/province/country/world, it's little wonder kids are stressed  and  parents are freaking out and doing whatever they can (including hours of homework and endless, mindless busy work projects) to help them succeed.  Parents will often tell me how frequently they do their child's homework for them (gives new meaning to living vicariously through your kids),  how difficult they sometimes find it themselves, and that they worry how hard it will be in the years to come for their kids who are barely keeping pace.

The truth is, of course, not all of our kids are destined to be the next Albert Einstein, Wayne Gretzky or Steve Jobs.  Some of us, in fact, have kids who are destined to have trouble even learning to read or lacing up skates.  So where does that place them on our ultra-competitive social ladder, and what does that tell them about their value as human beings or to society? 

One of my pet peeves when my kids were in school was the annual awards ceremony every June, when kids who were by and large inherently bright or naturally talented - and thus didn't really have to try very hard - were paraded in an assembly of all the parents, teachers and the entire study body and rewarded year after year with some sort of plaque or certificate for "excelling" in an area that came naturally to them anyway. These were invariably the same kids, year after year.  One of them, in fact, was my oldest daughter, to whom these things were relatively meaningless (I still have a box full of school awards in our basement) and not the least bit motivational.  Then there was my son, who found it barely tolerable to even be in the building, but who nevertheless tried his hardest.   No reward for that herculean effort.  To me, this was like rewarding the richest kids for having the nicest clothes.  It would have been much more meaningful to reward all the kids who made the most progress - and thus the most effort - but this was hardly ever the case.

Certainly, for exceptional kids, and for all of us really, there is more than one way to define success.  If you need to keep track at all, measure kids against themselves and not against everyone around them.  I know in our family, the child who had the greatest challenges starting out has grown up to be quite "happy in his own skin" and is also a kind and compassionate person  - an unequivocal success considering  the rocky road he has had to travel.  Simple things like being healthy and happy are absolute measures of success that are vastly underrated, and there is inherent value in giving of one's time, being empathetic towards others and finding fulfillment in doing things that give your life meaning and pleasure.

For parents of special needs kids, one of the hardest things to do is to redefine the meaning of success for our kids.  Sometimes, we have to drastically adjust our horizons and let go of the child we thought or hoped we had, and embrace the child we do have.  This is hard to do, because we live in a society that rewards the bright and beautiful.  Success for a kid with dyslexia is learning to like reading, or for a kid with autism, learning to relate to others, or for a kid with crippling social anxiety to make friends and be able to relax in unfamiliar social settings.  For many of our kids, these efforts are like scaling mountains, and as the saying goes, if you never climb the mountain, you never see the view.  We as their parents, teachers, coaches, and mentors should be recognizing  them for the monumental victories they are and celebrating their success.    

One important but often overlooked aspect of parenting a child with special needs is the toll that it takes on the parent's own mental health and well being.  This is particularly true when the child has an invisible disability such as a mental illness that all too often is dismissed as "bad" (and willful) behaviour, resulting from bad parenting.   This judgmental labelling  adds an extra burden to families who must not only cope with the emotionally, psychologically and often physically draining demands of the child at home, but who then also feel the need to justify their parenting  and defend themselves and their children from the criticisms of outside observers .

No doubt, all of us who have ever raised a child can look back and identify things we could have done better, and no one denies there are those who need more than a little help on the parenting front.  I have come to believe that by and large, most people are doing the best they know how with what they have to work with, but sometimes the demands are just so overwhelming that the mental health of even very good and competent parents can suffer greatly.

My own experience, and that which I have observed in working with other parents through HOPE, is that the mental health challenges of the family as a whole increase dramatically when children enter school.    The expectations that special needs parents have of their child's school experience often clash with reality.   Even for kids who are identified early on, there are still major discrepancies between what is on the IEP and what translates into the classroom, and between the often lofty mission statements of school boards and the outcomes for special needs kids.  For kids on a behavioural IEP, the disability aspect is often ignored, and they are told to "take ownership" for their behaviour.    No one would ever ask a blind child to "take ownership" for his blindness, but somehow it's okay to ask this of kids who are socially blind, who say or do inappropriate things, can't make friends,  or act out in frustration.   Indeed, as parents  we are more than aware that our children are challenging in the classroom - they are challenging at home, too - and expecting us to somehow fix them as a prerequisite to being allowed to be there  adds enormously to our parenting stress. 

One of the first lessons special needs parents learn is that they must be strong advocates for their kids.  Imagine how intimidating this is for a parent of a child with a learning disability, if that parent also suffers from LD, or for a parent struggling with depression or anxiety.  One kid I know has a safety plan that stipulates that the parent must be at the school within 20 minutes of receiving a phone call, or the police and/or CAS will be called.  Is that reasonable or necessary?  It's not the school's responsibility to deal with parents' mental health issues, but shouldn't they at least try not to make things worse?  Isn't that kind of empathy what we're supposed to be teaching our kids?

I think we need to ask ourselves one question:  when the majority of parents of kids with mental health challenges are having the same, less than positive interactions with schools, is it solely the parents, or should schools be looking at themselves and ask what they could be doing differently?  In all the school meetings I have ever attended with parents, I don't recall this ever being part of the discussion.   We should be looking at families as a source of strength for special needs kids, and not piling on additional challenges for parents that undermine their mental health.  Instead of foisting all the problems of special needs kids back on the parents and expecting them to fix them (if only we could), perhaps a more holistic and collaborative approach, recognizing and respecting the disability aspects involved,  would yield better results for everyone.  And parents shouldn't be afraid of admitting to their own challenges and seeking out help for themselves.   Suffering from mental health issues is not a personal failing, and dealing with our own struggles and being our own advocates is the first step in learning to be advocates for our kids.

Dear Santa:

I know I haven't written to you for a while,  but I hope you still remember me and that I'm not on your naughty list this year.  Anyway, I was going to ask you for a smart phone, until I realized I couldn't afford the data plan so this is what I would like instead:

• An ombudsman to oversee the MUSH (municipalities, universities, school boards and hospitals) sector. The Ontario Ombudsman Act hasn't been updated in over 35 years, and Ontario has fallen far behind other provinces in this area. Parents ultimately have nowhere to turn if they do everything they're supposed to do and still hit a brick wall when they're trying to advocate for their kids, or if they have significant differences with agencies such as the CAS or their local school board. We've had lots of overtures in the Ontario legislature, but nothing has come from it, so we're hoping maybe you can deliver on this one.
• A true, one stop shopping approach to kids' and youth services so that health care, education and social services can all work together (I know this is a pipe dream) and so that kids with special needs can be assessed and interventions started very early on, and in a more holistic fashion, instead of languishing on endless wait lists for inadequate levels of service that makes it feel like you've won the lottery if and when your name gets to the top. Sorry for the run-on sentence; this is a kind of metaphor for what we parents go through when trying to navigate the system and get a foot in the door. Maybe we could just have one bureaucracy to deal with and maybe we could call this the "Ministry of Child Development and Wellbeing" or something like that.
• A less adversarial process for getting school based services for our children with "exceptionalities" that reflects their true level of need instead of the boards' budgetary restrictions. I know that school boards typically spend upwards of 85% of their budgets on salaries and benefits, and that the other 15% has to cover EVERYTHING else (including programming, textbooks, supplies and equipment, utilities, school maintenance and repairs....you get the picture). So it seems to me that the kids are sort of getting the short end of the stick, and that maybe the priorities should be reversed. Maybe then parents of special needs kids wouldn't feel like they're stepping onto a battlefield every time they have to ask for services or special equipment their kids need to be successful at school.
• Focused and effective school based programs for the 20% or so of kids with mental health challenges that don't just pay lip service to the problems of bullying, behaviour supports (not the punitive ones we currently have) and specific programs for kids with inadequate social skills that leave them isolated and at risk for dropping out - or worse. We need to quit expecting classroom teachers to be ringmasters when they have 5 or 6 kids out of 20 on IEPs and offer specialized classroom placements (or at least adequate resource withdrawal programs) for students who struggle with mental health challenges. In the short term, we could take existing programs such as SCIP (School Community Intervention Project), finance them properly and expand them to all schools in the system to include the vast number of kids who desperately need them.

I know this is a pretty long list, Santa, and that you probably can't fit it all in your sleigh, but if you could just deliver on one or two, that would be great.  And maybe, if there's room, you could end the impasse between the province and the teachers' unions, but I know that's pushing it.... just thought I would ask. 

Thanks much.

Bonnie M.

There is always a lot of discussion in the media and in parenting circles about what parents can do to help ensure their children grow up healthy, not only physically, but also mentally and psychologically.  When it comes to mental health, a lot of the focus lately has been on how to build resilience in kids.  The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health defines resilience as "the ability to recover from difficulties or change - to function as well as before and move forward. "  They recently published a brochure outlining how children develop resilience and what parents and teachers can do to help enhance it.  Some of their suggestions include:

• Teaching children to have more positive thoughts about themselves by helping them see the positives and not dwell on the negatives
• Helping them learn to be flexible and see both sides of an issue
• Helping children learn to set goals and persevere to attain them
• Teaching children how to solve problems, both as individuals and  through cooperation with others
• Teaching children good communications skills
• Helping kids have meaningful involvement in the home, school and community to reduce the risk  of isolation

Of course, temperament has a major influence on how children handle challenges and adversity  --  some children are just born with a more easy going character and ability to shake things off.  But environment also plays a role in how kids learn to handle the ups and downs of life.  Parents can help right from the beginning by treating infants with care and being sensitive and responsive to their needs.  As children grow it's important for parents to provide a warm, nurturing and accepting home.   Children also benefit from clearly defined rules - and need to know the reason for the rules, and from appropriate expectations.  When the rules are broken, it's important to use reason and persuasion and never resort to verbal or physical abuse.

Another way parents can help their children develop resilience is by praising their efforts and accomplishments, and by modelling appropriate interactions with other adults and family members.  They can also encourage healthy and respectful relationships between siblings by stressing cooperation and sharing, and discouraging competition.  As children become teenagers, it becomes increasingly important to accept and respect their need for independence, and to gradually let go of the "reins" as they grow into adulthood (for those of you who have ever done it, you know this is the really hard part!!)

The one thing I think is important to remember is that raising resilient kids, and parenting in general, takes an enormous amount of time if it's to be done right.  Personally, I don't really subscribe to the notion of "quality time" - our kids just need time with us, and lots of it.  We live in a very busy world with lots of stresses and demands on our time, but we need to always remember that when it comes to raising our kids, we don't get a re-do, so let's try to get it right.   We know our kids are worth it.

Well, summer is well and truly over.  School has gotten off to a rip-roaring start this September, and there are grumpy people all around.  My phone has not stopped ringing since the first day of school, and many parents are already feeling stressed out and frustrated.

Although it's a perennial problem,  this year there seems to be an inordinate number of parents complaining about lack of appropriate classroom support for their high needs kids.   Many of the calls I have been getting are from parents whose very high needs kids have either lost the supports they had last year, or are transitioning into the regular school system and are being placed in regular classrooms with no supports.  Their kids are struggling already - not surprisingly - and the parents are having to fight for supports they thought they had.

Sometimes when parents are dealing with schools and principals, it's like running into a brick wall.  If you're having trouble getting support for your child with special needs, you need to know your child's rights and how to go about gathering documentation and requesting support.  The HOPE parent mentors can help you with this, and with any other parenting issues where you might need help.

One additional wrinkle this September is the labour dispute between the Ontario government and the two largest teachers' unions, ETFO and OSSTF.  Teachers aren't very happy that their collective agreements have been imposed on them for the next two years, and in response have instituted a number of job actions, including wearing black to class (or black armbands), arriving and leaving 15 minutes before and after school, and so on.  In addition, teachers have largely withdrawn their volunteer services, which include everything from sports and school clubs, to meet the teacher barbecues.  For a lot of kids, these extra-curriculars are the main (and sometimes only) attraction and a prime motivator for going to school, so they are not happy.  There have been offers by parents to step in and coach these activities, but due to liability issues, the school boards are declining to accept them. 

Without stepping into the politics of this issue, as a parent, I can only conclude that the kids are the real losers in all of this.  I think all the big people involved would be well advised to keep the students out of their dispute.  We all know, no matter the situation, it's never a good idea to fight in front of the kids.

Parents can take up the some of the slack in other ways, by enrolling the kids in activities offered  through the city of London,  the Boys and Girls club, community resource centres and so on.  If they need extra help after school, there are homework help programs at several community resource centres /public libraries and online.  High school students needing to earn their 40 hours of community service could also provide volunteer tutoring to younger kids.

If you're one of the parents feeling particularly stressed this school year, or for those parents who would just like to meet up with others to share ideas, the HOPE parent support group will be holding our first meeting of this school year at Vanier on October 3 at 6:30 pm.  Everyone is welcome - HOPE to see you there!!

Although we're only half way through the summer school break, a few parents have already contacted me with concerns about the upcoming school year and what sorts of services are available to kids who are starting kindergarten and/or those with exceptional learning needs.  This might be a good time to share a little information about what parents can expect, and what needs to be done before September rolls around.

First of all, if you are in a position where you find it difficult to purchase the necessary school supplies for your child(ren), you might be interested to know that the Thames Valley District School Board Education Foundation provides school supplies, including back packs, lunch bags, pencil crayons,  erasers, etc., to families in need through its Supplies for Students program.  Items supplied are based on the grade level of the student, and even include things such as USB memory sticks and scientific calculators for students in higher grades.  For more information on how to access this program, visit their website at:  http://www.tvdsb.ca/EFoundation.cfm?subpage=88300.  This program is open to students of both the Thames Valley District School Board and the London Catholic District School Board.

If your child is entering kindergarten this September, the Thames Valley Board offers a picture book for children as well as a parent guide that outlines what to expect, and should help ease the transition to school.  The TVDSB webpage also has details on other early learning programs, and can be viewed at:  http://www.tvdsb.ca/parents.cfm?subpage=78914.  Parents can find out which schools offer full day kindergarten programs at:  http://www.tvdsb.ca/welcome.cfm?subpage=78343. 

For parents of children with special needs,  I recommend they make sure that the school is aware of the child's diagnosis/special need before the beginning of the school year.  This is especially important if staff changes (principals, secretaries, support staff or teachers) have occurred since school ended in June.  When my son was in elementary school, I would make up a little booklet for the teacher similar to the "all about me" books the kids make in kindergarten, in which I would outline his diagnosis, the challenges he faced and suggestions for helping him deal with them, including strategies we used successfully at home.  If she was available,  I would generally try to meet with the classroom teacher the week before school started to give her this information and to open the lines of communication.  I also found it helpful to take my son in to the school a few days before the start of classes, to familiarize him with the location of his new classroom, meet the secretary and principal, etc., to help ease the transition back to school and lessen his anxiety. 

Sometimes the school will recommend that a special needs child not attend school on opening day when things are pretty chaotic, and instead come the next day or later in the week after classes are settled and the student will not feel overwhelmed.  Such decisions should be made in conjunction with the parent, and should be clearly in the child's best interests and not solely for the convenience of the school.   The same is true for students on "modified days" (i.e., those who attend school for part of the day or come in late/go home early). 

If the child is identified as an exceptional learner and is on an individual education plan (IEP), it's a good idea to be sure that the classroom teacher is aware of this and has had an opportunity to review it.  Often there are several students in a class on IEPs, and it is important that your child not be lost in the shuffle.

If you have any questions or concerns, principals are generally in the schools from about the 20^th of the month onward, and can be contacted at the school office.  Teachers are not required to be at school before the first of September although many are setting up their classrooms the week before.

It's important for parents to try to start the school year off on a positive note, even if past years the relationship with the school hasn't been so cordial.  It's never a good strategy to go in with guns blazing on day one, and you risk being branded as a problem parent who lacks credibility. Look at September as a clean start, and don't anticipate problems that haven't arisen yet.  You might be pleasantly surprised!

Lastly, if you need help advocating for your child, don't hesitate to seek out the support of other parents through the HOPE program.  We meet regularly throughout the school year, and have a lot of insight and support to share.  We can be reached at any time through Vanier Children's Services (bmontmin@vanier.com or at 519-433-3101, ext. 179).

Enjoy the rest of the summer and see you in September!!!

Summer, it seems, has arrived with a vengeance, with temperatures in the stratosphere and looking like they'll be staying there for a while.  Luckily, there are a lot of ways to keep cool, including community swimming pools, trips to the beach, splashpads, and the old stand-bys and my personal favorites, ice cream cones and slushies.

While the kids probably aren't complaining of being bored yet, it's usually only a matter of time before parents can anticipate hearing "there's nothing to do".  One of the things many parents are concerned about at this time of year is the effect of the two month break on kids' retention of all the previous year's academics.  This is particularly true for certain special needs kids.  Although it's not often easy to get kids to focus on anything remotely related to school work over the summer, there are several good educational and game based websites that can help them retain the skills they've previously mastered, and help them be ready when September rolls around.  Some of the best ones are:

http://www.funbrain.com/

http://www.coolmath4kids.com/0-timernator.html

http://www.fridgefun4kids.com/

http://www.playkidsgames.com/

Another really cool website, and my very favorite, is  the Instructables website (www.instructables.com)   where you can find step by step instructions on how to make just about anything with stuff you have on hand.  All the ideas are submitted by other users and come pre-tested and complete with photos of the finished products.  This is a great website for anyone on a budget, and has sections on building projects from scratch, food, technology, gardening, camping, and everything under the sun.  There's also a kids' section for making homemade kites, cardboard cameras, giant windballs, flashlight sabers, origami, creepy crafts, and anything else you can imagine.  I really like this site because it includes a lot of ideas for outdoor/physical activities  (something many of our kids are lacking) and fosters the creative side and hands on learning that is so important  to academic success.

Whatever you do this summer, please keep in mind the safety factor.  Every year there are accidents and mishaps involving kids that could be avoided with proper planning and parental oversight.  This is especially true when kids are in or around water.  Please, be safe, and enoy those lazy, hazy days!

What's in a word? A lot, actually. Words are what we use to exchange thoughts and ideas, of course, but they are also so much more. A baby's first word is a cause for joy and celebration. Words can paint a picture, tell a story, and words can hurt or heal. Some words are important because they help us describe who we are, and some words, apparently, are so problematic that they can cause a virtual war of words.

This would seem to be the case with Bill 13, the Ontario government's anti-bullying law currently up for passage in the provincial legislature. The controversy concerns the provision in the law that allows students to form gay-straight alliances - and name them as such - within schools to help combat homophobia and give LGBTQ kids a sense of belonging and pride. The sticking point is the Catholic school boards' objection to the word "gay", as living openly as a LGBTQ individual (and in particular, engaging in same-sex relationships) is not in accordance with Catholic church teaching. To address this issue, they have come up with lots of euphemisms such as "open arms clubs", or "respecting differences clubs" - or just about anything else, as long as it doesn't contain the word "gay". As if often the case, what students think or want is secondary; most students are in favour of GSAs.

A little disclosure here -- I was born and raised a Catholic and attended Catholic schools all my academic life. So I know a lot about Catholic teaching, and although I am no longer a practicing Catholic, I'm certainly not anti-Catholic, or anti-religion in general. But I do have a problem with the stance of the president of the Assembly of Catholic Bishops and spokesperson for the Catholic school boards, Cardinal Thomas Collins, and with the statement of Marino Gazzola, president of the Ontario Catholic Trustees' Association. Cardinal Collins contends that Catholic schools have their "own methods" of addressing bullying aimed at LGBTQ students that are individualized on a case by case basis and are in accordance with church teachings. If I remember my Catholic teaching correctly, and I am sure I do, this falls under the "love the sinner, hate the sin" category - a pretty negative message to kids often struggling with their sexual identity and looking, as we all do, for love and acceptance. Marino Gazzola states that the word gay is a "distraction". Really? I'm not sure how he's distracted by the word, but for LGBTQ kids, it's a fundamental part of their identity -- an important descriptor of who they are as people. To me, the message being sent to these kids is clear: we can't accept you as you are, and if you want our acceptance, you need to pretend to be someone else.

There is no question that LGBTQ kids suffer disproportionately at the hands of bullies in schools, and that the recent rash of gay student suicides can be traced, at least in part, to lack of effective support and intervention. If kids in the Catholic system aren't even allowed to use the word "gay" to describe themselves, how can we expect them to feel safe and accepted? When schools and their administrators are telling kids there is something implicitly wrong with them, how are they supposed to have a healthy self-image, or accept themselves as whole persons that don't need to be "fixed" and don't need to pretend to be something they are not? Interestingly, the Ontario Catholic teachers are in favour of Bill 13, perhaps because they are on the front lines and recognize the devastation that is wrought on these kids by such policies.

Lastly, there is the question of funding. As publicly funded schools, Catholic boards have an obligation to comply with laws passed by the Ontario legislature and implement the policies of the Ministry of Education. The argument that the Catholic school boards are exempt from rules that apply to everyone else and have their "own methods" just doesn't wash when they're taking public tax dollars. If they were talking about having their "own methods" of dealing with kids with disabilities, or racial minority kids, how would that fly? These are questions of basic human rights, and either we all have them, or none of us does. So in my view, for Catholic schools the choice comes down to being a publicly funded system and complying with the rules that apply to everybody, or not - all in or all out .