At some time or another, every parent of a child with
behavioural challenges will have to cope with a major/minor
tantrum, defiance, or even a total meltdown while out in
public. These episodes can be extremely stressful and
embarrassing for parents, who are often unsure of how to react --
played out as they are in full public view, sometimes with
disapproving glances and snide remarks from onlookers.
I certainly remember a particular incident involving my (then) 8
year old, sprawled out on the pool deck of the London Aquatic
Centre, thrashing and screaming - much to the apparent
consternation of many of the other parents, several of whom
helpfully offered a running commentary on what they would do if
"that was my kid". Well, if that
was your kid, you too would be an expert
on autism spectrum disorders and we would be having a whole other
conversation, but I digress...
So what is the right way to handle behavioural problems in
public? Although there is no magic answer, I can offer a few
tips that have worked well for me over the years. Let's first
look at what doesn't work:
First among these would be corporal punishment, also known as
spanking. Hitting or slapping a child sends the message that
the bigger person can impose his or her will on the smaller, weaker
one. It also tells the child that violence is okay and it is
an acceptable way to resolve a dispute. Violence is NEVER
okay, and although the child may respond initially the way the
parent wants, eventually that child will be as big - or bigger -
than you, and then what? Let's not treat children in any way
that we don't want them to treat us when they are bigger and
stronger than we are.
Another thing that doesn't work is "shaming and blaming".
Humiliation is equally damaging (and often more so) than
physical punishment. In fact, punishment in general is not a
particularly effective way to deal with kids. Kids will learn
to avoid punishment and will outsmart you in the long run.
What does work, then? First of all, I think parents need
to understand that these behaviours don't happen in a vacuum - they
are forms of communication and are triggered by something, either
in the environment, or even within the child - and that one good
method for dealing with them is to find out what triggers them in
the first place and avoid/alter the triggers. Most kids are
not looking to sabotage themselves, and they often act out because
they don't know a better way of communicating their displeasure,
unhappiness, or fear. Sometimes something as simple as
teaching kids "feeling" words to describe their emotions, and
encouraging them to use their words as opposed to throwing a
tantrum can be effective.
Offering kids choices or options as opposed to the "you must do
this" approach can offset a defiant reaction. So, although
you have to stop what you're doing, you can do (choose one of three
things) instead. This gives the child a sense of control over
his/her own activities and decision making.
For very young kids, diversion sometimes works, and positive
reinforcement such as a small treat or reward for appropriate
behaviour can work well for kids of all ages.
Another approach that I have found highly effective is teaching
my child to monitor his inner emotional state, and to recognize
when he is about to "blow". Self-regulation is the goal
here, and several techniques - deep breathing/relaxation, removal
from the situation, or even using an inflatable punching bag or a
pillow to "get the angries out" has worked for us.
Trampolines, stationary bikes, or other exercise equipment are good
alternatives as well that help dissipate the emotional tension in a
socially appropriate manner.
Sometimes, however, nothing works, and the whole thing has to go
full circle. In these situations, it's best to just gather up
yourself and your child and find a more private place and let the
cycle play itself out. Then just move on, and try again
another day.
Although easier said than done, when these episodes happen in
public, parents need to try to keep the focus on their child, and
not on the reaction of strangers. Just remember, the
relationship you have with your child is life-long, and in all
likelihood, you will never see any of these strangers again.
