The old cliche about parenting being the hardest job in the
world is something of a half-truth, at least in my view.
Parenting well is the hardest job
in the world, partly because kids don't come with an owner's
manual, and partly because it's probably the single most important
thing you'll ever do in life. It's a labour of unconditional love
and sacrifice and requires a capacity to learn on the
fly. Parenting a child with special needs is harder still
because the learning never stops and the challenges never cease,
although they change over time.
Why is it so much harder today?
In years gone by, extended families usually lived close by and
could offer support, advice and a little free babysitting. That's
not necessarily the case anymore and a lot of new moms and dads
find themselves stressed, sleep deprived and learning "on the job"
how to cope. For single moms, this is a double challenge, as there
is no hand off at the end of the day. Having to put someone else's
every need before your own is a hard lesson for many, and knowing
that life will never be quite the same can be a shock, and to be
honest, often entails a sense of loss.
Once the kids are older, the school issues start to kick in. For
kids with extra challenges, this is where life goes into overdrive.
Demands on the family can reach a fever pitch, and things can
derail easily. For most kids, structure and routine can help keep
things in balance, but if you're raising an exceptional child,
these basic parenting practices might not be enough. Families
looking for professional help know how hard it is to get a foot in
the door.
Even if you have family and friends nearby, it is often hard for
others to relate to your parenting challenges if your child has
special needs. My family frequently criticized how I was parenting
my special needs child because they had no frame of reference for
what it was like to have a child with such extraordinary
behaviours. My best resource was other parents who were raising
kids like mine - people who didn't judge because they knew what it
was like and who knew a thing or two that they could pass along. I
found out why it was so hard for my child to get haircuts (it hurt)
and why toilet training took so long. Other little gems I learned
along the way I now pass along to other parents who are following a
little further down the road.
Why support is important
One of the most important lessons I learned about parenting a
child with special needs is how much of a toll it can take on your
own mental health. When you're dealing with a challenging child,
school issues, work and home life - and no one really "gets it" -
the stresses can be overwhelming. One of the truths about raising
any child is it's best to be in a healthy place yourself,
physically, mentally and psychologically, in order to be the best
parent you can be. Seeking out others who are in a similar
situation is a good way to get a little moral support and
inspiration, and is a tremendous help for parents of any child, but
particularly of those with special needs. It helps keep you
grounded, which in turn, helps you help your child.
Join our parent group
HOPE is currently running a parent support group to deal with
challenges we all face in raising our special needs kids, with a
special focus on school issues. If you would like to join us,
please e-mail us at bmontmin@vanier.com or
call (519) 433-3101, ext. 179.
