I get calls every week from parents whose children are being
bullied at school. These parents generally feel that the
schools are not doing enough to stop bullying, and are angry that
this is happening to their children. They are worried about
the short and long term repercussions on their kids - with good
reason, as the research shows that bullying can inflict long
lasting damage and affects children and teens physically,
psychologically, and academically. With all the
awareness and antibullying programs out there, why is this still
happening?
Bullying, as we all know, has always been a problem. It's
only in the last few years that educators and society in general
have come to recognize bullying to be as damaging as it is, and
taken steps to address it. There is no doubt in my mind
that schools could do a better job - a
much better job - of intervening.
To this end, the Ministry of Education has passed several
pieces of legislation aimed at curbing the problem.
On February 1, 2010, the Keeping our Kids Safe at
School Act, came into effect. This new law
requires teachers and other school staff to report all "serious
incidents", (i.e., those which must be considered for suspension or
expulsion) including bullying, to the principal. In addition,
the law states that the principal must contact the parents of the
victim, inform them of what harm has occurred, what steps are being
taken to keep their child safe, and what disciplinary actions
are being taken in response to the incident.
So, why does bullying still happen?
From the reading I have done recently, it would seem that the
stereotype of the schoolyard bully is a bit
dated. Lots of kids who engage in bullying are not
the "loners", but are bright, popular, and, to the casual observer,
well adjusted and engaging kids. Many are bystanders,
who don't bully themselves but don't speak up either in defence of
those being bullied. Part of the reason that schools
don't seem to be managing this problem well is that in some cases,
what goes on takes place under the radar, and isn't necessarily the
sort of overt act that teachers can act upon. Cyberbullying
is a good example of how kids target others, often without the
knowledge of either their parents or teachers. Posting
facebook pages that ridicule and ostracize other kids, texting
rumours or taunts - all of this happens in relative
obscurity. Where physical bullying is taking place,
it's usually easier to address on school grounds, but less so if it
happens on the school bus or on the walk home. Kids know
this; schools are starting to recognize this and trying to find
solutions.
Our Toxic Culture
Another reason that bullying is still flourishing is because of
the subtle but pervasive and cumulative messages our kids get every
day -- on TV, in movies, and on social networking sites such
as Facebook and Youtube. These are messages that
devalue others, that tell them that winning at all costs is the
goal, that aggression is an acceptable way to impose your will, and
that status is everything.
If your children watch "reality" shows such as American Idol or
Survivor, they have witnessed repeated instances of bullying -
individuals being publicly ridiculed, insulted, and kicked off the
stage or island. The winners in these shows are praised
and rewarded, sometimes for talent, but mostly for their
ruthlessness in winning. I cannot tell you how much I
loathe these program, and others like them. They elevate the
mindless culture of celebrity, and promote a simplistic, law of the
jungle mentality. The toxic message this sends our kids is
that there are winners and losers in life and that you had better
be one of the winners because we shun and punish the losers.
Youtube is full of fight club videos, gang initiation
fights, and girl on girl fights. Gangster rap and other
popular forms of "music" are full of racial slurs and misogynistic
lyrics that send very powerful messages to our kids.
These are toxic influences that seep into the consciousness of our
society and make their way into the schoolyards and the
classroom. Empathy is not part of the message.
Taking Action
While I think schools need to be a lot more proactive in
eliminating bullying, I also have to empathize with teachers who
have told me how difficult it is to deal with kids who bring to the
classroom a set of values that reflects the worst in our popular
culture. Each of us who is a parent has a
responsibility to our children, to help nurture and guide them to
make sure they become responsible and caring adults. We can
all do our part by making sure our own kids are not part of the
problem. As parents we are our children's first and most
powerful role models, so let's set a good example. We need to
talk to our kids, every day, about what's going on at school, and
with their friends. It's not an invasion of their privacy if
we monitor their activities on line, and we need to have
conversations, whenever a teachable moment arises, about empathy
and social justice. Kids need to know that it's their
responsibility to protect those who are weaker or younger from
being bullied, and to make sure they report bullying to the
adult(s) in charge.
If your child is being bullied at school, take immediate action.
Talk to the classroom teacher and the principal, and if that
doesn't resolve the problem talk to the superintendent and your
school trustee. Every school has a code of
conduct, every school board must follow the safe schools initiative
(and the newly passed Keeping our Kids Safe Act) mandated by the
province. Get copies of these regulations, and insist that the
school adhere to their own board's rules and ministry
policies. Document incidents, and put all communication in
writing. If you are able, volunteer at your child's
school - in the classroom, on the school yard or on the parent
council - it's a good way to keep tabs on what's going on and
contribute to the school community at the same time.
Help your child develop a safety plan - avoid walking alone,
rehearsing what to say and do in a confrontation, checking in on
his/her cellphone, etc. In more serious instances where
circumstances warrant it and if the school refuses to act, call the
police yourself. Get in touch with antibullying groups and
find support and information, and if nothing changes, as a last
resort, investigate alternate programming, such as a different
school or school board, or on-line programs.
Until the day comes when we collectively succeed in eliminating
the problem of bullying from our schools, we must do what we can to
protect our kids from the enormous harm it can inflict. Let's
hope that day is not too far off.
