In recent weeks, there has been much coverage in the news of the
sexual abuse scandal that has rocked the Catholic
Church. As a parent, I can think of no worse scenario
than learning that my child has been sexually abused by a predator
in a position of authority. In order to safeguard our
children from those who would prey upon them, we need to know
what to look for and how to talk to our kids about what sexual
abuse looks and feels like, how abusers target and "groom"
certain kids, and how we can best equip them to know what to
do. So what do parents need to know about child sexual
abuse?
How Abuse Happens
First, while all kids can become victims, not all kids are
equally targeted by abusers. Sexual predators often gravitate
to places where they will have access to children, such as schools,
clubs, sports and recreation centres, and other places where child
focused activities occur. They also seek out kids who are the
most vulnerable, those with few friends, or those who are
emotionally less mature than their peers, and begin the grooming
process by offering friendship and support, gifts, compliments, and
other friendly gestures. Kids who are taught to
always listen to and respect adults, to
never question authority, and to never "talk back" can
be particularly vulnerable. Once the predator has gained
the child's trust, he moves on to testing the boundaries -- for
example, by telling sexual jokes, roughhousing, or "accidental"
sexual touching (be aware that not all sexual abuse involves
physical contact). The child is unaware of this grooming
process, often doesn't know that abuse is taking place, and can
easily be convinced that he or she is a willing participant.
The child is discouraged from telling, and sometimes will even
protect the abuser.
What to Look For
Parents should be suspicious of anyone who seems overly
interested in their child, seeks to spend time alone with him or
her, shows favouritism, or offers "anytime" or free
babysitting. Of course, more overt actions such as taking
pictures of your child, inappropriate touching, or sharing sexually
explicit material with your child is an obvious indicator of
sexually abusive behaviour. In many cases, those who know or
work with sexual abusers are shocked to learn of the abuse, as the
abuser is considered a caring, upstanding member of society and
someone whose moral character is beyond reproach.
Signs to look for in your child include changes in behaviour,
anxiety, difficulty sleeping, not wanting to be with a certain
person or insisting on being with that person, aggression,
lack of emotion/blank expression, sudden school problems, or
acting out sexually/displaying sexual knowledge that he or she is
too young to know. In older kids, excessive worrying, drug or
alcohol abuse, spending time with younger children, suddenly
becoming secretive and withdrawn, or avoidant behaviours such as
running away can also be signs that sexual abuse is occurring.
Why Kids Don't Tell
There are several reasons why kids don't always disclose sexual
abuse. These include fear and embarrassment, fear of not
being believed, feeling of guilt that it's his or her fault, fear
of retaliation by the abuser, and even that the child does not
recognize that abuse has occurred. Parents can help their
child disclose abuse by listening and watching for clues, being
supportive and affectionate, praising the child for his or her
courage in telling, and letting the child know that he or she is
not at fault and is not a "damaged" person.
What to Do After Kids Disclose
Abuse
Once the abuse has been disclosed, promise your child that you
will take action to stop it. Report the abuse to the
appropriate child protection authorities (Children's Aid) and if
the abuse occurred at a school, agency or other institution, report
it to the principal, director, or other person in charge. Ask
how the investigation will unfold and how your child will be
protected during the investigation. Be sure to protect your
child's privacy. Seek counselling and any other supports your
child needs to help him or her process what has happened and to
help with healing.
Prevention Strategies
Preventing child sexual abuse can sometimes be difficult, but
there are steps that parents can take to help protect their
children. These include careful monitoring of internet use,
being vigilant about those adults with whom the child has contact
or relationships, and staying engaged with the child's peers.
Teach young children about the difference between good and bad
touch, give them permission to question/say no to adults, and
create and practice "what if" scenarios with your child so he or
she will know how to react in potentially dangerous situations.
More information on child sexual abuse and how to prevent and
deal with it can be found at: http://www.protectchildren.ca/app/en/prevent_abuse
