Yesterday, I found myself in a situation that I have always
found somewhat difficult -- speaking in front of a large
group of strangers. It's an acquired skill that apparently
becomes easier the more you do it - but in spite of
having considerable practice, it's something I don't feel I will
ever really master or even feel comfortable doing. When
called upon to speak publicly, I am always relieved when my
allotted time is done.
There were other speakers there too, several of whom spoke
with such ease and grace that it got me to thinking about how
different we all are in our natural abilities, and why that is
so.
There is little doubt that temperament plays a very large role
in the way that each of us deals with our environment, how we
interact with others, and how we react to the stresses and
challenges of everyday life. Any parent with two or more kids
can attest to the fact that they can sometimes be like night and
day in terms of temperament, even from early
infancy. The "easy babies" sleep through the night,
smile and are generally happy, while the "fussy babies" seem easily
upset, are hard to soothe and don't sleep or settle as well.
Parents frequently remark that these character traits seem to carry
through into childhood and beyond. When fussy babies
get to school age, they are frequently labelled as shy, inflexible,
or disruptive and it's hard for both the child and the parents
because kids want to have friends, and as parents, we all want our
kids to fit in.
If you've ever visited a kindergarten classroom, it's easy to
tell the introverts from the extroverts. Some kids are right
in the thick of things; an occasional kid looks like he or she
wants to crawl under the desk or seems to be trying to turn it
over.
My oldest daughter was (and still is) an absolute
introvert. I remember her junior kindergarten teacher
telling me that she needed to be more of a "risk taker" and that I
should encourage her to mix in and not stand on the
sidelines. I dutifully enrolled her in several
activities to force some social interaction and to see if somehow
we could morph her into an extroverted version of herself.
This continued for a while, with much crying and upset
on both our parts. I eventually realized that her underlying
temperament was what it was, and that she needed a more gradual
approach to help her step farther out of her comfort
zone.
For many anxious kids, the "fight or flight" mechanism - the
signal in the brain that warns us of danger and tells us to run
away or stay and fight - is on high alert all the time. It's
not hard to imagine how difficult this must be for the child.
Anxious kids can't help being anxious, but they can learn to handle
the stress more effectively and modify their reactions. Being
self aware - recognizing "triggers" and knowing what feelings they
release in addition to having effective coping strategies -- can
help kids deal with their intense emotions and/or low tolerance
threshold.
For kids who are resistant to change, for example, giving them a
five minute "heads up" or using a timing device (such as an egg
timer) between transitions, can help them prepare to move on to a
different activity. Relaxation techniques, such as deep
breathing exercises, yoga, or meditation can help with
self-regulation. Having a calming activity such as sitting in
a rocking chair, listening to music, drawing, or reading, or
seeking out a quiet space where they can retreat to regain their
equilibrium after a highly stressful activity can help. If
they can recognize when they are approaching their tolerance
threshold, and if they are given
permission by the adults around them to use the techniques that
work best for them, with practice they can often learn to either
raise the threshold or at least avoid surpassing it.
There are many ways of helping children cope with anxiety and
what works for one may not work for another. Usually, a
little trial and error is necessary, and letting your child come up
with his or her own suggestions is a good idea. With a little
understanding and a lot of work, we can help our anxious or highly
sensitive kids become more adaptive, happier and mentally
healthier. Happier kids means happier parents, and everybody
wins.
