For the past few Thursday mornings, I have been attending a CMHA
workshop along with a small group of others interested in mental
health issues. Among these are several teachers, many whose
paths I have crossed over the years, mainly at school meetings with
parents involved with HOPE, where the problems their children are
encountering are discussed - sometimes amicably, sometimes not.
At the last workshop, an interesting exchange occurred when one
of the teachers brought up the topic of how difficult it is to talk
to parents about the behavioural problems their children exhibit in
the classroom. It just so happens I know a good number
of teachers on a personal basis, and am even closely related to one
(my daughter), so I have often heard the horror stories about
battles with parents who seemingly refuse to acknowledge any
behavioural problems their kids might have, or how disruptive these
kids can be to others in the classroom, and so on and so on.
Having been on the other side of the table when my own kids'
mental health/behavioural challenges have been the focus, I can
tell you it's a pretty uncomfortable place to be. I took the
opportunity to offer my own theory of why parents react the way
they do when the dreaded call(s) from the school start
coming: Most parents, when their kids are struggling with
mental health issues, are fully aware of how difficult they can be
to deal with, because they are often struggling at home as
well. Parenting is hard enough, but parenting kids with
additional challenges can be draining emotionally, physically,
psychologically, and financially. In many instances, it's all
parents can do to keep hearth and home together, and to keep an
emotional lid on things. A substantial number of parents are
dealing with their own mental health problems as well, which also
gets thrown into the mix.
So then the school calls, and the parent shows up, and is met ,
not by one, but more often by a group of educators -
classroom teacher, LST, principal, vice-principal - with what
seems like a litany of complaints about the kid in question.
The parent, tired and stressed, hears this message and internalizes
it not as one of what problems their child
has, but as the problem that their child
is. Feeling outnumbered and ganged
up upon, and sticking to the old adage that if you're not in your
child's corner no one else will be either, the parent goes on the
defensive. And so begins a circular firing squad, where there
is lots of back and forth blaming, and no real attempt to see the
other side's perspective. The kid is the hot potato
that nobody wants to get stuck with.
I have been at school meetings where shouting matches have
broken out. I've heard parents cry, and threaten,
thereby sabotaging their own advocacy efforts. I've heard
principals tell parents that the school doesn't offer therapy, that
they need to get professional help for their kids, that their
kids can't come to school until they are "fixed", and that they
can't offer resources to the kid because there are others who "need
it more". In the interim, the kids are missing out on
an education.
The problem is that most parents are desperate to get their kids
the help they need, but are stuck on waiting lists (if they're
lucky), or in a system of revolving doors that shut them and
their children out because they don't fit the criteria, i.e. their
problems aren't deemed severe enough to warrant intervention.
So stress on the parents and family as a whole continues to
mount, more run-ins with the school ensue, and the dynamic
continues.
Mental health has recently appeared on the radar of several
school boards, including the Thames Valley Board. But in
order to have a meaningful impact, many more resources (read
dollars) need to be allocated to the one in five kids who suffer
with a mental illness in the school system. Teachers need
mandatory training, and a TON of help in the
classroom to deal with the additional challenges, and principals
need to stop wielding the heavy hand of authority that in essence
excludes these kids from the educational system. Parents and
educators need to try to see the other's perspective, and do
whatever it takes to work together to bring positive change.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and leaving one in five kids
behind should be an embarrassment to any civilized society.
