For many, pets are considered part of the family unit. In
families with kids and pets, there inevitably comes a time when a
beloved pet reaches the end of his life span, and parents are often
unsure of how to help kids deal with the very real grief such a
loss entails. Vanier psychologist Dr. Esther
Goldberg offers some advice to parents on how to handle this
challenging situation. Here's what she suggests:
Losing a pet can be devastating to all members of a family, but
is often particularly difficult for children.
Although it's not likely to be helpful to tell children when
they get a new puppy that the dog is likely to pass away at some
point in the future, as these pets age, get sick or begin to
decline, parents can take the opportunity to start to help their
kids prepare emotionally for what is to come.
Very young children and some special needs kids do not
necessarily have the ability to understand the permanence of
death. However, a typically-developing school-aged child will
likely have grasped this concept.
In general, it is not recommended that parents lie or mislead
children on this subject. In addition to the fact that
eventually children will grow up enough to recognize gentle stories
as being lies, parents need to recognize that these opportunities
are just that: opportunities. Death and dying will affect
people throughout their lifespan, and the coping mechanisms we
instill in our children will help them through life, as loss will
be inevitable.
Before speaking to your child, it may be important for parents
to evaluate their own perspectives on death and dying. Think
back to your own experiences and how they occurred. What
information were you given that was helpful, and what was
not? In addition, in two parent families there should be some
agreement on consistency of information. For example, parents
don't always agree on religion or beliefs (e.g. heaven, angels), so
be careful when talking to kids that such details are
consistent. It may be both confusing and heartbreaking for a
child to be told by one parent that their beloved hamster is
romping in the skies when the other has said that they're simply
going into the ground.
Parents also need to be prepared for some questions. Some
may be obvious, but children have a way of looking at things that
are unique and so there is no way to be fully prepared. (I
recall when a relative passed away my niece was afraid to ask what
was keeping such a heavy person up in heaven. She came to
believe that it was full of very large hooks - kind of like the
coat rack at the back of her classroom.) Most children will
wonder about the permanence of death, whether the pet could
possibly come back to them, and so forth. Talking about death
in the broader sense may open up opportunities for a child to
question their own and your mortality - if pets can die, so can
people. Be ready to possibly tackle larger issues!
Be prepared to answer religiously-oriented questions in a
consistent way. If you use faith-based explanations (e.g.
"Spot is with God now") expect that your child may target anger at
God, or may feel guilt (e.g. "God took Spot away
because I was bad"). Be ready to answer these questions in a
way that fits with your religious beliefs and in keeping with
information you have already provided on the subject.
Once parents are on the same page, remember that honesty is
important and avoiding the subject is unlikely to be helpful.
As a pet ages, and signs of deterioration begin to show, you may
want to take opportunities to discuss the natural progression of
aging with your kids. Don't scare them unnecessarily.
It will be important to stress that the life expectancy of a pet
and a human can be very different - dogs and cats live about a
fifth of how long we do, but turtles often live for much
longer. Keep your body language in mind while you cover this
ground - if you are anxious, your child will know. Be sure to
have worked through your own issues on the subject sufficiently
before trying to support your child. Emotional upset is
expected, but this should not be a place where the child is
expected to be the one providing comfort.
How much information you give a child is going to depend on your
child's age and maturity level. Most people (even adults) do
not have the capacity to speak about upsetting subjects at length -
you'll likely notice that when covering uncomfortable ground as a
grown-up that you can only focus on it for so long and then you'll
shift the conversation, but may eventually return to the original
issue. Children will do this too. Do not take it as a
sign that your child is uncaring. They may return to the
topic after either a short or long time. They are likely to
need opportunities to digest information and come up with
questions.
Knowing your child well will help, of course. All children
will need reassurance - and some will need a great deal of
it. Some children will be assisted by more logical
discussions, others by emotionally-focused ones. Some
children may want specific details - which may feel excessive to
you but may also be important to them. Kids can become
intensely curious and may want to know what happens to the body
after it's buried.
Although at this age they should be able to understand that
death is permanent, a school-aged child can also still engage in
something called magical thinking, for example,
"If I'm good, Fluffy will come back". Because
of this, adults need to be careful in their language. Don't
be afraid to use clear words such as "dead" since vague words and
phrases - such as "gone to a better place" or "is at
rest" -- may leave room for confusion and doubt. They
can also cause anxiety, and might result in a situation where kids
don't want to go to bed because they worry that sleeping things
sometimes don't wake up.
Some families may wonder about getting a new pet quickly.
This may or may not be suitable. Oftentimes, when the family
has more than one animal at home getting a second pet quickly may
be a necessity - the second animal may be lonely or pining.
Beyond this, a little space and time before committing to a new
animal is recommended. It's important that the child not feel
that living things that disappear are easily replaced in our lives
and hearts.
In summary:
- Be prepared and, if multiple adults are involved, make sure
there is consistency in messages.
- Be honest and clear. Avoid vague terms.
- Be prepared to revisit the topic as your child processes
information and develops questions.
- Use this as an opportunity to discuss issues of death and dying
(and potentially religion).
- Develop life lessons from this experience. Death and loss
are inevitable. The way you manage in this situation will set
the tone for future sad experiences.
- Children are going to want to be reassured that they - and
their parents - are safe. Give clear messages that it is ok
to be sad, with an understanding that this will lessen over time
and that it is possible to love a new pet without any loss of love
for a past one.
Some of my favourite psychological advice is this: Time
does not heal all wounds, but what you do with that time may.
