Barbara Coloroso is one of my favorite parenting advice
experts. She's the mother of five, a former nun and
ex-teacher who has written several books on various subjects
ranging from effective ways to discipline children to dealing with
bullying. I think much of what she has to say about
discipline, in particular, is great advice, especially in light of
a spate of studies that have come out recently pointing to the
negative long term effects of spanking as a form of
discipline. These negatives effects include poor self-esteem
and increased rates of anxiety/depression, aggression, bullying,
cheating, and lying.
She also talks a lot about parenting styles, and urges parents
to use firmness but flexibility in raising kids. The
analogies she uses to describe various parenting styles are great
too. She outlines the three main ways parents interact with
their kids as the following:
The Brick Wall Parent
These are the parents who are totally rigid in their parenting
style. There's no questioning parental authority, and no
bending of the rules, ever. The danger with these parents is
that their kids live in an environment that is so restrictive that
they can never venture beyond the dictates of the parents, and
never learn to take calculated risks or think for themselves - all
their decisions are made for them in advance. In adolescence,
especially, when kids rebel and need to break away from their
parents to start establishing their own individual identities,
there can be major clashes with these drill sergeant parents that
can cause irreparable harm.
The Jelly fish Parent
Barbara describes the jelly fish parent as being the exact
opposite of the brick wall parent - anything goes. There are
no limits, no structure and no rules - life for the kids of a jelly
fish parent is a chaotic gong show. Go to bed when you
like, come home when you feel like it. Kids who grow up with
jelly fish parents never really know where to draw the line,
because there weren't any boundaries or structure in their early
lives to help guide them. There can be lots of problems at
school as well, because there are most definitely rules to follow
there. They can be easily influenced by negative peers, and
might also have difficulty as adults when rules - such as being on
time for work - need to be followed.
The Backbone Parent
The middle ground between the jellyfish parent and the brick
wall parent is the backbone parent. Just like the backbone in
the body, there is flexibility to bend when needed, and the
strength to stand straight and hold oneself upright. Backbone
parents know that rules and structure are important to have order,
but there are times when it's necessary to have the flexibility to
bend the rules, or even put them aside. This type of
parenting includes empathy, dialogue and reason, rather than rules
for rule's sake or the free for all approach.
Parents of high needs kids might think these parenting
guidelines only apply to families raising typical, run of the mill
kids. When other parents complain about their kids not
picking up their toys, or not brushing their teeth, it's hard to
relate if your problem is trying to keep your child from punching
holes in the wall, or attacking the teacher, or banging his head
when he has a meltdown. What's even harder is not
feeling like a failure as a parent, or feeling judged by
others. I learned a long time ago not to measure my own
parenting or my exceptional child's behaviour against that of
others. When you have a special needs kid, I
would say it's even more essential to show flexibility in
understanding their behaviour in the context of the very different
challenges the child faces. That when having a backbone
really comes in handy, to help with the heavy lifting.
