Unfortunately, so far this summer, twelve people in Ontario (mostly kids under 13) have died by drowning.  Some were swimmers, some not, some died in swimming pools and some at the lakes.  When people hear about these tragedies, it resonates for a while, but then people seem to forget.  One of my neighbours is angry that the city has ordered him to install a pool fence around his above ground backyard pool.  This attitude baffles me as our neighbourhood is full of young children, many of whom play with this neighbour's daughter and are frequently in his yard.  Why would anyone take such a risk?    

Another peeve I have concerning summer safety is that I still see kids riding bikes or skateboards without helmets.  Not usually little ones, but more the pre-teens and teenagers who think it looks geeky to wear a helmet.   I saw one wipe out the other day going down snake hill near Byron.  He was more angry than hurt, but he slid out onto the road and could have been killed had there been oncoming traffic.  I hope he's learned a lesson, but sometimes it's hard to convince young people of that age that they are not invincible.  A few years back, my husband's cousin broke his neck at age 21 and was paralyzed from the neck down for several weeks before he finally died.  This was a very preventable tragedy, but again the message seems not to get through all the time.  We need to ensure our kids get that message, and insist they wear a helmet whenever they are involved in any sport where a head injury is possible. 

The last thing I feel is a major danger to our kids - though not just in summer -- is something over which, for the most part, they themselves have no involvement or control.  The recklessness and outright road rage I see every day on the streets of London scares me beyond words, especially as one of my daughters recently obtained her driver's licence.   It's shocking, really.  This isn't Toronto or Montreal, and motorist can get from one end of the city to the other in a half hour or less.  The red light runners are a true menace, and it's a mystery why the city doesn't crack down on them through the use of intersection cameras like other municipalities do.  (Remember this as an issue in the upcoming civic election.) I am especially appalled when I see someone with the "Baby on Board" sign in their back window driving like a maniac.  Maybe your kid isn't in the car with you, but someone else's is in theirs.

Summer is meant to be a carefree season when everyone can kick back and enjoy the fine art of relaxation.  For parents, however, it's not a time to let your guard down.  In fact, it's the time we really have to be more conscientious about what our kids are doing and make sure that when summer finally draws to a close, we all get there together.

There were other speakers there too,  several of whom spoke with such ease and grace that it got me to thinking about how different we all are in our natural abilities, and why that is so.

There is little doubt that temperament plays a very large role in the way that each of us deals with our environment, how we interact with others, and how we react to the stresses and challenges of everyday life.  Any parent with two or more kids can attest to the fact that they can sometimes be like night and day in terms of temperament, even from early infancy.  The "easy babies" sleep through the night, smile and are generally happy, while the "fussy babies" seem easily upset, are hard to soothe and don't sleep or settle as well.  Parents frequently remark that these character traits seem to carry through into childhood and beyond.   When fussy babies get to school age, they are frequently labelled as shy, inflexible, or disruptive and it's hard for both the child and the parents because kids want to have friends, and as parents, we all want our kids to fit in. 

If you've ever visited a kindergarten classroom, it's easy to tell the introverts from the extroverts.  Some kids are right in the thick of things; an occasional kid looks like he or she wants to crawl under the desk or seems to be trying to turn it over.

My oldest daughter was (and still is) an absolute introvert.   I remember her junior kindergarten teacher telling me that she needed to be more of a "risk taker" and that I should encourage her to mix in and not stand on the sidelines.   I dutifully enrolled her in several activities to force some social interaction and to see if somehow we could morph her into an extroverted version of herself.   This continued for a while, with much crying and upset on both our parts.  I eventually realized that her underlying temperament was what it was, and that she needed a more gradual approach to help her step farther out of her comfort zone.  

For many anxious kids, the "fight or flight" mechanism - the signal in the brain that warns us of danger and tells us to run away or stay and fight - is on high alert all the time.  It's not hard to imagine how difficult this must be for the child. Anxious kids can't help being anxious, but they can learn to handle the stress more effectively and modify their reactions.  Being self aware - recognizing "triggers" and knowing what feelings they release in addition to having effective coping strategies -- can help kids deal with their intense emotions and/or low tolerance threshold.

For kids who are resistant to change, for example, giving them a five minute "heads up" or using a timing device (such as an egg timer) between transitions, can help them prepare to move on to a different activity.  Relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing exercises, yoga, or meditation can help with self-regulation.  Having a calming activity such as sitting in a rocking chair, listening to music, drawing, or reading, or seeking out a quiet space where they can retreat to regain their equilibrium after a highly stressful activity can help.  If they can recognize when they are approaching their tolerance threshold, and if they are given permission by the adults around them to use the techniques that work best for them, with practice they can often learn to either raise the threshold or at least avoid surpassing it.

There are many ways of helping children cope with anxiety and what works for one may not work for another.  Usually, a little trial and error is necessary, and letting your child come up with his or her own suggestions is a good idea.  With a little understanding and a lot of work, we can help our anxious or highly sensitive kids become more adaptive, happier and mentally healthier.  Happier kids means happier parents, and everybody wins.

How Abuse Happens

First, while all kids can become victims, not all kids are equally targeted by abusers.  Sexual predators often gravitate to places where they will have access to children, such as schools, clubs, sports and recreation centres, and other places where child focused activities occur.  They also seek out kids who are the most vulnerable, those with few friends, or those who are emotionally less mature than their peers, and begin the grooming process by offering friendship and support, gifts, compliments, and other friendly gestures.  Kids who are taught to always listen to and respect adults, to never question authority, and to never "talk back" can be particularly vulnerable.  Once the predator has gained the child's trust, he moves on to testing the boundaries -- for example, by telling sexual jokes, roughhousing, or "accidental" sexual touching (be aware that not all sexual abuse involves physical contact).  The child is unaware of this grooming process, often doesn't know that abuse is taking place, and can easily be convinced that he or she is a willing participant.  The child is discouraged from telling, and sometimes will even protect the abuser.

What to Look For

Parents should be suspicious of anyone who seems overly interested in their child, seeks to spend time alone with him or her, shows favouritism, or offers "anytime" or free babysitting.  Of course, more overt actions such as taking pictures of your child, inappropriate touching, or sharing sexually explicit material with your child is an obvious indicator of sexually abusive behaviour.  In many cases, those who know or work with sexual abusers are shocked to learn of the abuse, as the abuser is considered a caring, upstanding member of society and someone whose moral character is beyond reproach.

Signs to look for in your child include changes in behaviour, anxiety, difficulty sleeping, not wanting to be with a certain person or insisting on being with that person, aggression,  lack of emotion/blank expression, sudden school problems, or acting out sexually/displaying sexual knowledge that he or she is too young to know.  In older kids, excessive worrying, drug or alcohol abuse, spending time with younger children, suddenly becoming secretive and withdrawn, or avoidant behaviours such as running away can also be signs that sexual abuse is occurring.

Why Kids Don't Tell

There are several reasons why kids don't always disclose sexual abuse.  These include fear and embarrassment, fear of not being believed, feeling of guilt that it's his or her fault, fear of retaliation by the abuser, and even that the child does not recognize that abuse has occurred.  Parents can help their child disclose abuse by listening and watching for clues, being supportive and affectionate, praising the child for his or her courage in telling, and letting the child know that he or she is not at fault and is not a "damaged" person.

What to Do After Kids Disclose Abuse

Once the abuse has been disclosed, promise your child that you will take action to stop it.  Report the abuse to the appropriate child protection authorities (Children's Aid) and if the abuse occurred at a school, agency or other institution, report it to the principal, director, or other person in charge.  Ask how the investigation will unfold and how your child will be protected during the investigation.  Be sure to protect your child's privacy.  Seek counselling and any other supports your child needs to help him or her process what has happened and to help with healing.

Prevention Strategies

Preventing child sexual abuse can sometimes be difficult, but there are steps that parents can take to help protect their children.  These include careful monitoring of internet use, being vigilant about those adults with whom the child has contact or relationships, and staying engaged with the child's peers.  Teach young children about the difference between good and bad touch, give them permission to question/say no to adults, and create and practice "what if" scenarios with your child so he or she will know how to react in potentially dangerous situations.

More information on child sexual abuse and how to prevent and deal with it can be found at:  http://www.protectchildren.ca/app/en/prevent_abuse

Bullying, as we all know, has always been a problem.  It's only in the last few years that educators and society in general have come to recognize bullying to be as damaging as it is, and taken steps to address it.   There is no doubt in my mind that schools could do a better job - a much better job - of intervening.   To this end, the Ministry of Education has passed several pieces of legislation aimed at curbing the  problem.   

On February 1, 2010, the Keeping our Kids Safe at School Act, came into effect.  This new law requires teachers and other school staff to report all "serious incidents", (i.e., those which must be considered for suspension or expulsion) including bullying, to the principal.  In addition, the law states that the principal must contact the parents of the victim, inform them of what harm has occurred, what steps are being taken to keep their child safe, and what  disciplinary actions are being taken in response to the incident.

So, why does bullying still happen?

From the reading I have done recently, it would seem that the stereotype of the schoolyard bully is a bit dated.   Lots of kids who engage in bullying are not the "loners", but are bright, popular, and, to the casual observer, well adjusted and engaging kids.   Many are bystanders, who don't bully themselves but don't speak up either in defence of those being bullied.   Part of the reason that schools don't seem to be managing this problem well is that in some cases, what goes on takes place under the radar, and isn't necessarily the sort of overt act that teachers can act upon.  Cyberbullying is a good example of how kids target others, often without the knowledge of either their parents or teachers.  Posting facebook pages that ridicule and ostracize other kids, texting rumours or taunts - all of this happens in relative obscurity.   Where physical bullying is taking place, it's usually easier to address on school grounds, but less so if it happens on the school bus or on the walk home.  Kids know this; schools are starting to recognize this and trying to find solutions.

 Our Toxic Culture

Another reason that bullying is still flourishing is because of the subtle but pervasive and cumulative messages our kids get every day --  on TV, in movies, and on social networking sites such as Facebook and Youtube.   These are messages that devalue others, that tell them that winning at all costs is the goal, that aggression is an acceptable way to impose your will, and that status is everything. 

If your children watch "reality" shows such as American Idol or Survivor, they have witnessed repeated instances of bullying - individuals being publicly ridiculed, insulted, and kicked off the stage or island.   The winners in these shows are praised and rewarded, sometimes for talent, but mostly for their ruthlessness in winning.   I cannot tell you how much I loathe these program, and others like them.  They elevate the mindless culture of celebrity, and promote a simplistic, law of the jungle mentality.  The toxic message this sends our kids is that there are winners and losers in life and that you had better be one of the winners because we shun and punish the losers.   Youtube is full of fight club videos, gang initiation fights, and girl on girl fights.   Gangster rap and other popular forms of "music" are full of racial slurs and misogynistic lyrics that send very powerful messages to our kids.   These are toxic influences that seep into the consciousness of our society and make their way into the schoolyards and the classroom.  Empathy is not part of the message.

Taking Action

While I think schools need to be a lot more proactive in eliminating bullying, I also have to empathize with teachers who have told me how difficult it is to deal with kids who bring to the classroom a set of values that reflects the worst in our popular culture.   Each of us who is a parent has a responsibility to our children, to help nurture and guide them to make sure they become responsible and caring adults.  We can all do our part by making sure our own kids are not part of the problem.  As parents we are our children's first and most powerful role models, so let's set a good example.  We need to talk to our kids, every day, about what's going on at school, and with their friends.  It's not an invasion of their privacy if we monitor their activities on line, and we need to have conversations, whenever a teachable moment arises, about empathy and social justice.   Kids need to know that it's their responsibility to protect those who are weaker or younger from being bullied, and to make sure they report bullying to the adult(s) in charge.  

If your child is being bullied at school, take immediate action.  Talk to the classroom teacher and the principal, and if that doesn't resolve the problem talk to the superintendent and your school trustee.    Every school has a code of conduct, every school board must follow the safe schools initiative (and the newly passed Keeping our Kids Safe Act) mandated by the province. Get copies of these regulations, and insist that the school adhere to their own board's rules and ministry policies.  Document incidents, and put all communication in writing.   If you are able, volunteer at your child's school - in the classroom, on the school yard or on the parent council - it's a good way to keep tabs on what's going on and contribute to the school community at the same time.   Help your child develop a safety plan - avoid walking alone, rehearsing what to say and do in a confrontation, checking in on his/her cellphone, etc.  In more serious instances where circumstances warrant it and if the school refuses to act, call the police yourself.  Get in touch with antibullying groups and find support and information, and if nothing changes, as a last resort, investigate alternate programming, such as a different school or school board, or on-line programs.

Until the day comes when we collectively succeed in eliminating the problem of bullying from our schools, we must do what we can to protect our kids from the enormous harm it can inflict.  Let's hope that day is not too far off.

Why is it so much harder today?

In years gone by, extended families usually lived close by and could offer support, advice and a little free babysitting. That's not necessarily the case anymore and a lot of new moms and dads find themselves stressed, sleep deprived and learning "on the job" how to cope. For single moms, this is a double challenge, as there is no hand off at the end of the day. Having to put someone else's every need before your own is a hard lesson for many, and knowing that life will never be quite the same can be a shock, and to be honest, often entails a sense of loss.

Once the kids are older, the school issues start to kick in. For kids with extra challenges, this is where life goes into overdrive. Demands on the family can reach a fever pitch, and things can derail easily. For most kids, structure and routine can help keep things in balance, but if you're raising an exceptional child, these basic parenting practices might not be enough. Families looking for professional help know how hard it is to get a foot in the door.

Even if you have family and friends nearby, it is often hard for others to relate to your parenting challenges if your child has special needs. My family frequently criticized how I was parenting my special needs child because they had no frame of reference for what it was like to have a child with such extraordinary behaviours. My best resource was other parents who were raising kids like mine - people who didn't judge because they knew what it was like and who knew a thing or two that they could pass along. I found out why it was so hard for my child to get haircuts (it hurt) and why toilet training took so long. Other little gems I learned along the way I now pass along to other parents who are following a little further down the road.

Why support is important

One of the most important lessons I learned about parenting a child with special needs is how much of a toll it can take on your own mental health. When you're dealing with a challenging child, school issues, work and home life - and no one really "gets it" - the stresses can be overwhelming. One of the truths about raising any child is it's best to be in a healthy place yourself, physically, mentally and psychologically, in order to be the best parent you can be. Seeking out others who are in a similar situation is a good way to get a little moral support and inspiration, and is a tremendous help for parents of any child, but particularly of those with special needs. It helps keep you grounded, which in turn, helps you help your child.

Join our parent group

HOPE is currently running a parent support group to deal with challenges we all face in raising our special needs kids, with a special focus on school issues. If you would like to join us, please e-mail us at bmontmin@vanier.com  or call (519) 433-3101, ext. 179.

Welcome to Holland

by Emily Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with autism -- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this -- when you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo, David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of preparation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland"."Holland", you say. "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of Italy!" But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for awhile and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts. But, everyone you know is coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." The pain of that will never, ever, ever go away because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Mr. Holder was soliciting my opinion on the following question:

"Do you support the Liberal Senator's attempts to make criminals of parents who chose to sometimes discipline their children by spanking?"

Well, yes, in fact, I do.

The question in my mind is why anyone in the twenty first century would sanction family violence of any kind.  In the not too distant past, woman abuse was viewed as a family matter better left to the parties involved to sort out, but is now treated as the assault that it is.    What does Mr. Holder think of that?    If you have a disagreement with a co-worker, is it okay to physically assault him to make your point?    Do we teach our kids to settle disputes with their peers through violence?  How do we justify violence perpetrated on the most vulnerable in society by labelling it something seemingly innocent like spanking?  Being hit is being hit, whether you're a child, a student, an adult, a senior, a partner, or a person on the street.

Schools have drafted codes of conduct to support positive behaviour and reduce acts of violence among students.  Should teachers be exempt from their own school's code of conduct?  What kind of role modelling would this provide, and how could schools support teacher on pupil violence but at the same time condemn pupil on pupil violence?  This would be rightly viewed as the hypocrisy it is.

No, Mr. Holder, I don't want teachers or "persons" standing in my place having the authority to smack my kids, and I don't support parents having the right to smack their own kids, either.    And another thing, I would appreciate it if you would take the tax dollars you're spending on these surveys and direct them to family antiviolence initiatives instead.

Special Needs Kids

For parents of special needs kids, the homework question is an even hotter button issue.  Often it's all these kids can do just to hold it together for the hours they are in class every day, let alone sitting down at home for a couple more hours of school work each night.

Most school boards have guidelines as to how much homework should be assigned, generally based on  grade level.  For example, the Thames Valley District School Board recommends 10 minutes of homework per grade - in other words, grade 8 students would be doing roughly 80 minutes of homework per day.

The trouble is that for kids with a learning disability, or ADHD, or any number of other special needs, 80 minutes of homework a day can translate into a nightly hell session for parents and kids alike.  Add in science projects, book reports and independent study projects and it's easy to understand how any family can feel overwhelmed and burnt out.

Many parents also feel that the Ontario curriculum is so broad that it doesn't allow sufficient time to cover all the work in class and that homework often entails learning new concepts - a teaching task that most parents clearly are not comfortable taking on.

What does the research say?

So what is the real value of homework?  How  essential is it to student success?   A recent Toronto Star article  (http://www.thestar.com/GTA/Education/article/302001) on homework reported:

"While research shows some benefits to homework in grades 7 and 8 and high school, there's scant evidence that it improves student achievement in the younger years, say professors Linda Cameron and Lee Bartel of the Ontario Institute for Studies in Education at the University of Toronto."

Other studies support these findings and bring into question the whole rationale for homework, especially in the early grades.  Simply reading with, or to, young children on a daily basis is frequently cited as the single best way to ensure academic success in later years.

When is it too much?

If the homework routine takes up most of each and every evening/weekend and leaves no time for other equally important family or individual activities, it is clearly too much.  If it is causing significant and prolonged stress for your child, your spouse or you, it is too much.

Handling Homework Overload

For younger children, set your own limits on the amount of homework and make sure there is sufficient playtime, reading time, bath time and general downtime each evening.

If your older child is on an individual education plan, you can ask that the IEP include accommodations/modifications to the amount of homework assigned.  If not on an IEP, you can still set reasonable limits on the amount of time you and your child will devote to homework each night and make sure that your child's teacher is aware so that the absolute essentials are still covered.

For some special needs kids, using a timer or a system of alternating work/break periods is a good strategy, so that 10 minutes of work/concentration is followed by 10 minutes of break, snack, exercise or rest.

For kids in upper grades, another idea is requesting the teacher assign a homework free day one day a week, no homework on weekends or that no major projects be assigned for traditional family times, such as Christmas or March break.

Children need playtime, family time and just plain "down" time every bit as much as they need to hone their academic skills.  Work/school/life balance is important to everyone's mental health, kids included, and should be part of every school's priorities.

Under the Ministry of Education's Safe Schools policy, principals have a responsibility to ensure positive behaviour through "progressive discipline".    This means moving away from a purely punitive approach in that the principal must consider a range of options in dealing with the inappropriate behaviour, which can include meeting with parents, detentions, or anger management intervention.   They must also take into consideration the student's age, personal, academic and discipline history and other mitigating factors.  Therefore, suspension should not be the first or only method of dealing with inappropriate behaviours, except for in certain circumstances when suspensions are mandatory.

Furthermore, each board of education has a Code of Conduct which not only applies to students, but to everyone involved in the public education system, including teachers, parents, volunteers and other staff members.  This code states that everyone has rights and responsibilities to promote and learn within an atmosphere of respect and safety.

Students can be suspended for a period of one to twenty days, during which time they are not allowed to attend school or participate in school activities.  Children suspended for more than 5 days (ie. 6-10 days) must be offered academic programming to keep up with their studies.  Students suspended in excess of 10 days must also be offered supports to promote positive behaviour.  Students who agree to participate will have a student action plan developed to help support their academic development and behaviour.  For older students, this may include substance abuse counselling, anger management or career counselling.

So what can parents do if their child is receiving repeated suspensions?  First of all, get the facts.  Talk to your child, but also talk to your child's teacher and principal, and ask what triggers the suspensions and what progressive discipline interventions have been tried prior to resorting to suspension.   If there are mitigating factors that apply, for example if your child is very young or has a diagnosis that impacts his or her ability to control behaviour or understand the consequences of such behaviour, be aware that the principal must consider these factors before suspending the student.  If your child is being suspended repeatedly for less than 6 days, but the cumulative effect is negatively impacting his or her education, make your concerns known in writing to the principal and/or superintendent and/or your school trustee.  Document each suspension, and be aware of your right to appeal.  Ask about alternative programs or other interventions that might be appropriate.  Be aware that bullying is a possible underlying factor for some students - that they may be being bullied or may in fact be bullying others.  In either case, intervention is warranted.

Parents can find information regarding safe schools, statistics on suspensions and expulsions by board  and other ministry policies at http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/safeschools/suspexp.html.

Finally, if you feel your child is being treated unfairly and all else fails, advocacy groups such as Justice for Children and Youth (http://www.jfcy.org/) offer information and legal advice to students facing suspension or explusion.

Parents can also help in a broader sense by becoming more involved in their child's education.  The Thames Valley School Board recently published its 2009 Report to the Community, and suggests ways to do so, including volunteering for classroom support, reading and math tutoring, library assistance, music support, and team coaching.

The Board also suggests other ways to get involved, such as:

• Calling and/or visiting with your child's teacher
• Keeping the teacher/school informed about things going on at home, such as family illness or any other major issues
• Attending school concerts, sporting events, parent teacher interviews and meet the teacher nights
• Creating a positive learning atmosphere at home
• Joining school councils, home and school committees, or other parent organizations
• Attending school board meetings to learn more about the school system and how it is governed.

In addition, the Thames Valley District School Board is unveiling its new website in September.  Each individual school will have its own website which will be interconnected to the others and where they can share information, videos, photos and documents.  Emergency closures and special events can also be found on the new site.  Currently available information on topics such as Safe Schools, Aboriginal Education and Special Education will remain on the new site, and podcasting will be offered.

For parents of kids involved in special education, the start of the school year is a good time to communicate with your child's teacher, and to go over the student's Individual Education Plan to ensure it still meets his or her learning needs.  (More on IEPs in later posts.)  Each school board in Ontario has a provincially mandated Special Education Advisory Committee - known as SEAC  - that advises on issues pertaining to special education.  Parents can find information on the Thames Valley website (www.tvdsb.on.ca)   or on the London District Catholic School Board site (www.ldcsb.on.ca)  on special education policies, programs and other resources.  As well, the Ministry of Education's website ( http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/general/elemsec/speced/speced.html) has information that will be helpful to parents regarding legislation on special education under the Education Act.

The HOPE program will be holding parent group meetings throughout the school year to discuss school and other issues. Dates and times will be posted as soon as they are finalized.